Archive for category Personal

Hi, I’m Vic… and I have depression

This is perhaps the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.  There is a lot of emotion behind the words I write here, and I’m trying to keep that out.  If you were expecting the latest snippet of technical insight from me, I’m sorry.  Maybe next time.  This post is about me.

In the first six months of 2004 I changed employer, my first child was born, and I suffered a mild heart attack.  For some time I’ve believed that this set of major events occurring over such a short period was responsible for the way I feel.  If I’m honest though, there’s every likelihood that it was there long before, and 2004 just pushed me off the top of the slippery slope.

People’s reactions to near-death experiences vary almost as widely as the events that bring them to near-death.  To me, how someone recovers from such an experience will depend very much on how they can rationalise who is at fault for the experience.  Experiences like being a victim of armed robbery or a car accident are fundamentally different from health-related near-death because when it’s health-related there’s no-one to blame but yourself — you ate the wrong food, you didn’t exercise enough, you got bad genes, etc.  You can try to blame someone or something else (blame the fast-food chains for your diet, blame the TV programs or the computer games for your lack of exercise, blame your parents for your genes) but deep down you know it’s all on you.  The effect this can have on self-esteem and self-worth are immeasurable.

I say this all in my context of course — for me it was too tempting to blame that heart attack for feeling bad.  I’m sure others have felt the same: despite all the other things in their life that might be causes of concern — stressful or unrewarding job, young children, difficult relationships, money problems — the health problem that nearly killed them becomes what they use to define themselves.  This was definitely the case for me: I was 34 years old, I had been overseas for a week for work and was supposed to be at home helping to look after my 3-month old son, what the f**k was I doing in a cardiac hospital after suffering a myocardial infarction?  I was broken, a product of a gene pool that produced 11 out of 13 immediate blood relatives with cardiac issues.  People would tell me this was my “wake-up call”, my “second chance”, but nothing could break my resignation that the deck was stacked against me.

I saw a psychologist for a while in 2005-06, and was on antidepressants for a while around the same time.  I thought I was feeling good about life again.  My last visit with the psychologist was just before I went on an overseas business trip with a colleague in March 2006.  I got a script for more meds before I went overseas (the doctor actually joked with me about how having a psychotic break while going through US airport security wouldn’t be a good thing), but when that script ran out I didn’t bother getting a new one.  Looking back, I was in Zoloft-fuelled denial of my real mental and emotional state.  I actually thought I was better, so I didn’t need the drugs any more.

The denial of my mental state has continued until almost the present day — except that it was no longer fuelled by antidepressants.  Over the last six months or so, denial came from a self-fulfilling belief that there was nothing worth doing.  When I thought I was feeling good about life, I failed to see that what I was really feeling good about were things in my life; in times when things to feel good about became fewer and farther between, so too would my moods get darker and darker.  I’d have good days and bad days, but even on good days I’d be a hair’s breadth from falling into a dark black mood in which even just moving seemed like too much effort.  I have been denying my state of mind — except when it suited me to say “I don’t feel like it” to get out of doing something.  I’ve told myself that my poor diet and lack of exercise led to my heart problems, which in turn made me depressed, causing me to want to withdraw further from family and social situations.

Recently though, I’ve realised that the opposite is true: that all the things that I thought have derived from the heart attack have actually come from a different — but no less real — condition: clinical depression, or “a major depressive illness”.  I’m actually on the border of bipolar disorder, but I’m told my “highs” aren’t quite manic enough to fit that profile.

Some of you reading this will unfortunately think that now that I know what my problem is I can just get over it.  While knowing what my problem is allows me to find proper treatment, it’s a long way from getting over it.  Let me ask you: if someone has a broken leg, does being told that they have a broken leg make the leg any less broken?  ”Okay,” someone might reply, “so you just pop some pills to feel better.”  Again: if someone has a broken leg and they take medication for the pain, is the leg any less broken?  “Well, go and talk to a shrink then.”  If you’ve got a broken leg and you talk to someone about the experience of having a broken leg, is the leg any less broken?

Our protagonist with the broken leg starts the road to recovery when the break is set and the leg is cast.  Pain killers might be needed, along with crutches or a wheelchair for mobility, perhaps even a ruler to scratch the skin irritated by the cast.  Physiotherapy to rebuild muscle and supporting tissue might be needed as well, once the bone is sufficiently restored.  Our protagonist might walk with a limp for a while, but will eventually return to full health.

I have started to get help, but I have no idea what my road to recovery will look like.  I saw my GP a few weeks ago and he referred me to a psychiatrist, with whom I’ve had my first session.  Medication will be involved, but I’ve already felt the effects of the other actions I’ve taken: exercise, eating well, and treating my after-hours as my own time instead of an extension of the work day.  I’ve started to lose weight as well (2-3kg so far) — something that I’d always wanted to do but felt was beyond my mood-locked abilities.  I still have dark times though.

Now the really hard part.  Some of you might be wondering if there was a catalyst to all this self-realisation and affirmative action.  I’m not ready to talk about that, except to say one thing: this illness I have is like a cancer — ruthless, vicious, absolutely silent, and often detected way too late.  Unlike cancer though, many people don’t take it seriously.  Don’t take anything for granted.  Depression will take things away from you that you don’t know you’ve lost until they’re gone, and what you lose might be the very things you’ve always needed to make it through to the end of each day.

Don’t wait until RU OK? Day…  if you’re depressed, talk to someone; if you know someone who might be depressed, talk to them.  Please.

Online resources in Australia for depression and bipolar disorder (not an exhaustive list, nor a list of endorsements):

 

Another year over…

As I type this, 2011 draws to a close (in this timezone at least) — in fact if I keep going long enough it’ll be my first post to span two years.

I would like to have blogged a bit more in 2011. It’s not like I had any shortage of things to write about, in fact that’s probably the crux of the matter: not enough time to write due to many things going on. No promises about writing more next year though — I can’t imagine I’ll magically have more time for writing next year!

Wherever you are, best wishes for the coming year. Here’s hoping that 2012 brings health and fortune to you and your family.

Happy New Year!

My local Borders is no more

I had two book-related experiences today, one of which was obvious and prompted this post. The other I had almost forgotten about, but should not have. First, the one I forgot.

I went to the shopping centre today (Garden City, in Upper Mt Gravatt) with my seven-year-old son. On the way there we were discussing the various things we might do there, foremost among them was eating (he seems to be inordinately interested in food at the moment; I suspect a growth spurt). After finding somewhere to park and finding our way from the car to the shops, we resumed the where-will-we-go conversation. We decided that the main purpose of the shopping trip was to get something for Mummy for Mothers’ Day, but we did agree it was okay to do a little bit of looking at things for ourselves. I was explaining the concept of “window shopping” to him when he suddenly said “or we could go to the library.”

I managed to choke back my reflex response of “The LIBRARY?!?” and instead managed something a little more fatherly. “But Mummy has the library card, I don’t have one,” I had to say, thinking he wanted to borrow.

“That’s okay,” he said, “we can just go and look at the books and maybe read one and then we could have some lunch.”

Which is exactly what we did. My seven-year-old son took me to the library. We looked through the books, found one that he liked which he read aloud, and then left and had sushi for lunch. I was definitely proud but at the same time stunned that a visit to the library was as interesting a prospect as anything else the shopping centre had to offer — especially since the library is immediately next door to a Toys-R-Us!

So what has this to do with Borders?

I was a little disappointed, but not too surprised, when the local Borders franchise announced it had entered administration. All of the Australian Borders stores that have touched me in some way, including the Brisbane City and Mt Gravatt stores, are to be closed. The hammer is even going to fall on the Jam Factory store in South Yarra, the first Borders I ever set foot in (the novelty of visiting that store was part of what kept me entertained when I was working in Melbourne).

Shortly after we’d been to the library, had our lunch, and looked at a couple of other shops, my son and I went into the Borders — it, along with the other stores to be closed, are open while the administrators try to wring every last dollar out of them. There were people everywhere, picking over the remains of the stock. How ironic that the busiest many stores are is their last days of trade.

It was pretty depressing: many shelves were bare, even a couple of complete sections had been abandoned (and were being used as impromptu play areas by kids bored by their parents’ sudden interest in books). Because all the stock was 50% off, people seemed to be treating it as having 50% less value — books were being disdainfully rummaged through, in a similar way to how a pile of laundry gets treated when you’re looking for that one lost sock.

I looked at the remnants of the computer books area, and was quickly reminded why I haven’t bought a tech book from Borders for years. I saw an O’Reilly title, one which I wasn’t sure I had, and the price on it was almost $100. When I got home I checked and I did have it: bought via Amazon at a price, even including shipping (and an exchange rate at the time that was nowhere near as attractive as it is now), that was less than even the Borders administrators 50% discount would have yielded. Nevertheless, I did take a few books to the register — not technical books, rather some light stuff in the vein of Richard Hammond’s “As You Do”.

The final depressing twist came as we left the store. I got a partial smile from the cashier when I placed my purchases on the counter for payment, but by the time she’d handed the bag to me her look was more “enjoy your books and your discount, I’ll be jobless in a few days”.

From the safe and insular confines of a blog, it’s easy to rant about bookstores and big publishing companies that try to ignore the international market and continue pricing domestically as if the Internet doesn’t exist and it really does cost a fortune to ship books to a tiny place like Australia. It’s a different matter when that bookstore you used to love going to can’t afford to keep the lights on any more.

But then, as I was thinking of how to wrap this post, the thought occurred to me… what kind of place would be good for someone who likes looking at books but never buys them…

Sometimes when I’d go to Borders I’d get quietly mad at the people who’d sit themselves in the comfy chairs and read the books for hours and hours. What did they think Borders was… a library? It was a library — the problem was, in their kind of library you had to buy the books instead of borrowing them.

I’ve got a feeling that the initial success of Borders was driven by the same enthusiasm for libraries that my son showed me today. We all remembered this incredible place where there were thousands of books, and we could pick them up, turn their pages… and read a bit of them, then put them back. And to the eventual demise of Borders, that’s what we all did.

So to anyone thinking “now that Borders is going, I’ve got nowhere to read a good book” I say “find your local library!” And to any passing librarians I say “I hear there’s some books hitting the market cheap, might be a chance to build the collection because you never know when traffic might pick up”.

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Burnt out

For some time I’ve been feeling moody and generally unhappy.  My ability to become frustrated with things that go wrong is ever-increasing, and my tolerance fuse seems to be ever-shortening.  Co-incident with those feelings was the real physical manifestation of almost constant weariness — waking up tired, never-ending back and shoulder pain, and so on.  I really was starting to feel like the proverbial “cranky old man”.

The worst part of this was the fact that the feelings have worsened after I had made what I thought was positive changes in my outlook.  I’ve been more focused on exercise and physical activity, and trying really hard to spend more time with the family.

On the bus on the way home from work on Friday I was looking out the window and thinking about… nothing.  I closed my eyes for a moment, and the feeling of relaxation I had — for just a moment — was blissful.  At that point I realised that my problem was probably little more than the fact that I am completely and utterly burnt-out.

I began to think about the times recently that I’ve been away from work.  We went to the beach for a couple of days in January, but as every parent knows a family holiday (particularly with young kids) is just all the same stuff with some different scenery.  Last September we went to Melbourne, but I was working.  A few days here and there for trips to the beach and so on.  In November 2009 I did my European trip, which is probably the closest thing to a vacation I’ve had in the last two years, but again I was working.

I realised, again like just about every parent does, that I haven’t had a proper “holiday” since before our first child arrived — for me that means 2003 (I’m guessing it was when S and I went to Rotorua while I was working in NZ, but again that was only a couple of days).

So what’s my plan?  After all, a realisation is worthless unless it is acted upon.  Well I do have a holiday in mind, but that won’t be until toward the end of the year (and I’ve probably given away too much already).  In the meantime, I plan to keep up the physical activity (maintaining health in the long term is surely more important than giving in to a bit of moodiness) and will be doing my best to find enjoyment wherever it exists or how trivial it may seem.  I think I’ll also get back into the blogging habit — I find that the time it takes to put a good post together is quite therapeutic!

My flood volunteering day

On Saturday (a couple of days ago as I type this) I volunteered to assist the cleanup in Brisbane’s suburbs — the city council organised volunteering locations where you could sign up and be transported to places that needed help.

The process was well organised, except at the location I went to where the buses departed from a nearby bus terminal — mildly inconvenient if you’d transported yourself to the bus terminal and walked to the marshalling site, only to have to walk yourself back to the bus terminal… But honestly, mild inconvenience was probably far from most people’s minds right then.

The registration process was quick and easy, but I missed the briefing entirely because in a crowded high school hall with a couple of hundred (at least) people inside our briefing was delivered by a lady equipped with a librarian’s clipboard and the voice to match.  A couple of people near me managed to pick up Oxley and Chelmer as potential locations, but I heard nothing else.

Council also seemed to have been a bit unprepared for the number of volunteers.  Two shifts — one morning, one afternoon — were planned, and 6000 volunteers were expected across the four sites over the day. By lunchtime it was announced that 7000 people had arrived for the morning shift alone!   There were not enough buses available after I’d been processed, so I and a couple of hundred other volunteers had to wait for transportation.

Part of the queue of volunteers waiting to be bussed to flood-devastated parts of Brisbane.

Part of the queue of volunteers waiting to be bussed to flood-devastated parts of Brisbane. The South-East Freeway is in the left of field -- that's where the horns of encouragement were coming from.

While we were standing in line for buses, the line stretched from the bus stop near Garden City across a bridge over the South East Freeway.  We must have been clearly visible to the freeway traffic below, standing there with our shovels and brooms and buckets, because several cars and trucks blew their horns in encouragement as they passed below.

Eventually we were on a bus, and along the way I got my first view of some of the devastation.  On Riawena Rd, muddy leaves on a roadside shrub near the bank of Stable Swamp Creek while we stood at traffic lights waiting to cross Beaudesert Road.   I looked up to the creek bank and saw a couple of porta-loos that had been unceremoniously dumped on the other side of the creek.   Then the traffic got moving, and we crossed Beaudesert Road to Granard Road, which was badly affected.  Riding in a council bus, I was looking out the window to business that were well higher than the road level, and the water line was a good metre or so up the wall — had my bus been there at the flood peak, it likely would have been submerged.  The front parking areas of the shops along Granard Road were littered with the contents of the various shops.  My breath caught in my throat.

And then, suddenly, everything was normal again as we crested the high ground midway along Granard Road.  I couldn’t help thinking “is that all?”.  I was quickly answered “No”, as the bus turned onto the Ipswich Motorway.

I would find out later we were headed for Oxley Road, but the off-ramp was still under a metre or so of water.   The Harvey Norman store at that off-ramp had a watermark at least a metre up the wall, and there was no-body around.  It was eerie, since the car park of the Good Guys store just up the road was teeming with people…  I later worked out that the HN store was probably still inaccessible.  So because the off-ramp we needed was inundated, we had to go well up the Motorway and backtrack, and since none of us really knew where we were going (other than generalities) we wondered if our driver was lost.  We did turn off onto Oxley Road however, to see a more human side of the tragedy.

I say “more human” now, looking back on my reaction to what I saw.  When it was stores and industry, it wasn’t as personal as seeing those first few houses along Oxley Road and the nearby streets…  Suddenly it was people’s homes, people’s lives, and it seemed somehow more real.  Some of the side streets were full of equipment helping clean up, others just seemed like normal streets (albeit very dirty and messy-looking streets).  Then, suddenly, just like happened on Granard Road, everything was normal again as we got to some high ground.

The roundabout at Oxley Station Road was under police control; they were stopping normal traffic from going any further up Oxley Road.  The roundabout was under a couple of inches of water still.  I realised that I was close to the house where a friend and former colleague used to live with his brother and a few mates.  I couldn’t remember exactly where the house was, but there’s a good chance it would have gone under.

Bridge Street, Chelmer

A mud-slick Bridge Street in Chelmer. Walking in vehicle wheel-tracks was essential.

I expected that we would be dropped off at any time, but we kept driving, back into high ground now, through Oxley, then Corinda, then at Sherwood we jockeyed across onto Honour Avenue (our spirits still fairly high, as we cheered the driver through a very tight left turn onto Sherwood Road from Oxley Road).  Still we drove on, leaving Sherwood and on through Graceville…

Just before the crest of the hill to get onto the Indooroopilly Bridge, at the intersection of Bridge Street, the bus stopped and the doors opened.  We were in Chelmer, and the support I was pretty-much expecting to be awaiting us, to direct our efforts and so-on, was non-existent.  We worked out fairly quickly that we simply had to find a place that looked like they needed help, and… help.

I took a couple of photos in that first part of the walk, but it was becoming too difficult to walk on the mud-slick streets and footpaths while looking for photo opportunities.  Besides, I realised that I was turning into a “flood tourist”.

Intersection of Oxley Road and Bridge Street in Chelmer

Intersection of Oxley Road and Bridge Street -- starting to get very hazardous here. That mud was really slippery, and thick enough that once you started to slide there was no stopping you.

I was there to work — I put the camera away.

My sense of direction being pretty good, I wandered in the direction where I knew the river to be, expecting that closer to the river would be where most help was needed.  My sense of local geography however being pretty lousy, I didn’t realise that the houses closest to the river in that part of Chelmer (near Gordon Thompson Park) were actually among the highest, and therefore the least in need.  For a little while I actually wondered if I was walking in completely the wrong direction.

I found myself near another small group of volunteers and tagged a long for a little while. We encountered a house which had a lot of activity around it — but they, thanks for asking, were going okay for now.  I turned one corner, then another, and found myself in Campsey Street, in front of a house where a man was pushing mud down the driveway.  I found myself saying something like “you look like you need a hand”, and he replied with something like “I certainly do”.

And I worked at that little house in Campsey Street for the rest of the morning, alongside people I’d never met and likely will never meet again. Shovelling mud, pushing mud, bucketing mud, barrowing mud. There was a couple who lived nearby who just decided to go looking for somewhere to help and, like me, found that house. A young lady who I assume lived nearby, but will soon be going back to Europe where she’s doing overseas study.  An off-duty policeman from Logan who might have known the owner (owners? I don’t even know that much).

There were some light moments.  We had been shovelling and sweeping mud down the driveway for almost an hour when a guy with a bobcat came by.  He’d found a dumped mattress and had pinched it in the bucket of the bobcat and was using it like a big squeegee to clear footpaths and driveways.  In about five minutes work he’d done as much as we had done in that hour.  A couple of us looked at each other, grinned a wry grin and said “we needed him an hour ago”.  That would have been funny enough, but within another hour it happened again — we started clearing the path up the side of the house (where a bobcat wouldn’t be able to go) and another guy came by on a dingo (a kind-of mini bobcat) and did the same thing on that side path.  Same looks, same wry grins…  I make light of them, but the contribution guys like that made was excellent.  They were just riding around the streets on their dingos and bobcats, looking for places that could use them, five minutes here and five minutes there.  Brilliant.

It wasn’t just the ones working that I need to mention.  At about morning tea time a lass came around with a Tupperware tray of slices and biscuits in one hand, and a tray of jam donuts in the other — “Sugar hit?” she asked.  Too right!  Earlier in the morning I’d noticed a van parked in the intersection nearby with signs saying “TEA COFFEE AND MILO, FREE FOR VOLUNTEERS”.  My workmates and I eventually took a break and visited the van, which remarkably was still there, with the signs, and were offered hot tea by a couple from Lismore in NSW (who I hope had other business in Chelmer that day and didn’t, as much as I appreciated the tea, just come up all that way to make refreshing beverages for everyone).

Thankfully the sun didn’t get too strong, as it was the back of my shirt was totally drenched and I kept having to pace myself (of all the times to be out of my heart meds!).

I had taken a bucket with me, but hadn’t used it for anything more than protecting the bag I’d taken.  After we’d had our cuppa the activity moved to the house next door where there was suddenly an absolute army of people (earlier there had been almost no-one) moving mud.  A swarm of wheelbarrows came with them, and people were using shovels to try and get the very viscous mud out of the gutter and into the barrows.  A few small round-edged buckets started to appear, but at that minute I was glad that I’d resisted the temptation to leave that square-edged bucket at home.  The mud was gone from that part of the street in pretty short order with about a dozen people with shovels, small buckets and one big flat-sided bucket and the half-dozen wheelbarrows we were filling!

There was one other man working at that Campsey Street house who had also come on the council bus from Macgregor, and we’d discussed earlier in the day that neither of us knew for sure how to get home when our “shift” was finished.  Between us we decided that we would just make our way back to roughly where the bus dropped us off, and we’d be collected.  Well while I was scooping mud with the bucket, I started thinking about the time and wondering if I’d have to make a move.  Sure enough, it was 11:25 by the time I was able to check what time it was, and my fellow council volunteer seemed to have already left.  I cleaned the broom (a new broom that was definitely coming home), decided to donate the bucket (an old bucket, now covered in mud, that was likely to get much more meaningful use in Chelmer than at my house), and turned to go… but the strangest thing happened.

I didn’t want to go.

If you’ve read this blog before, you’ll have read that I experience a kind of “travellers’ regret” when I visit somewhere that has touched me (the regret part is usually the result of knowing that I may never visit there again). It happens strongest in places that have really moved me — I felt it in Lake Louise, Canada, at the Kennedy Space Center, and in the shadow of the London Eye.  I felt it at Paris Gare du Lyon, and at New York’s Grand Central Terminal.  It was not so strong in Newport, Rhode Island (I visited there because it’s where the Aussie yacht Australia II won the Americas Cup in 1982); very strongly at le Viaduc de Millau.

On Campsey Street, Chelmer, in my own home town, it was as strong as I’ve ever felt it.  Despite the place looking like arse — no: because the place looked like arse — I needed to stay; there was so much more to do…  but it was more than that even.  I felt in some way connected to the other people who were helping there, even though I knew no-one’s name.  I probably would have stayed, had I not arranged with Susan that she would do the afternoon shift.  I tore myself away and headed back toward Honour Avenue.

I had to wait for a while, as the buses were being delayed getting through Toowong and Indooroopilly to pick us up.   Then, we went on a crazy route that seemed to loop through Sherwood and Graceville a couple of times before we headed back via Coronation Drive to Macgregor.  This gave me a chance to see some other things I’d only seen on TV — the Regatta Hotel looked almost normal again, and so too did the Drift restaurant.

It turned out that Susan didn’t get her turn to volunteer.  Thanks to my delayed return, it was almost 1:30 before she got to the marshalling area and by then they already had more than enough people in line and didn’t want any more.

So that was my first volunteering effort.  I was absolutely wrecked by it, and days later I’m still sore.  The best part has been knowing that I’ve actually helped someone (maybe multiple someones) start to get some order back in their life.  The kudos earned from friends and family has been a nice fringe benefit also, I have to admit.  I got a SMS message of appreciation from Lord Mayor Campbell Newman today as well (okay, so it wasn’t the actual Lord Mayor — the giveaway was the words “Stop messages? reply STOP” at the end of the message — but it’s the thought that counts, right?).

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Floods in Brisbane

I was four or five years old when Brisbane encountered its last major flood disaster in 1974. I have vague memories — so vague I don’t know for sure if they are real or imagined — of looking out the front window of the house we lived in at the time and seeing the water pooled in our front yard.
Obviously the memories this time around will be clearer. In case you’re wondering, my family and I are out of reach of the flood waters but, like many, we know folks who are directly affected. On the work front, one of our customers has lost access to both their Production *and* DR data centers, and I’m involved in getting them back in action.

I was in the CBD yesterday as the water started to rise. Shops were closed, and normally traffic-choked streets were almost empty, adding to the nervous tension that was building even then, some 24 hours ago. On the bus crossing the Brisbane River via the Victoria Bridge (in fact, if bridges were named so it would be Victoria Bridge the Third, because at least one but I’m pretty sure two previous bridges also called Victoria and in the same spot have been washed away in previous floods) I could see the river having broken its banks at the Queensland Museum and Southbank precincts. Today, as the first of the tidal peaks hits, streets in the CBD are starting to go under — and there’s another metre of water coming with the next peak, due tomorrow morning.

The heavy rain of the last month-or-so that has exacerbated this drama has eased today, but as I type this a sun shower has just started to fall. I guess Mother Nature wants to remind us that she’s still in charge…

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Amsterdam trip report

I recently spent a week in Amsterdam, attending the Novell BrainShare conference there.  This visit to Amsterdam was unlike any I’ve made before: certainly unlike the last one, where I barely made it halfway from the airport to the city and was there for less than 40 hours.

Firstly my arrival was disrupted by the Iceland volcano.  About 45 minutes away from Amsterdam I noticed that the little diamond that represented our destination on the flight-map display had jumped somewhere into western Germany, and the plane’s direction had changed — we were now flying almost due south instead of following the gentle arc that traced almost all the way back to Hong Kong.  About 5 minutes later, the captain announced that due to volcanic ash we had been diverted to Frankfurt: “we’re 40 minutes away from Amsterdam, but they’re closing the airport in 20″.  To the credit of Cathay Pacific, however, they had arrangements for our “connection” to Amsterdam underway before we had landed.  Cathay’s airport manager at FRA boarded the plane almost as soon as the door opened, and made an announcement that we would be bussed to Amsterdam and what the process would be.  Once we made it into the Frankfurt terminal we only had a couple of hours wait before we got to shuffle ourselves to some waiting coaches for our unexpected bus tour of north-west Germany and north Holland.

The bus ride was uneventful — except that I don’t ever tire of seeing fine German automobiles at-speed in their natural habitat: the autobahn.  As it turned out, the whole event actually solved a problem for me: how to fill in the nine hours between arrival at Schiphol and being allowed to check in to the hotel (S thought I was being way too positive when I told her that).  It actually was not an unpleasant way to spend a day post-long-haul-flight.

After catching a train from Schiphol to Centraal, finding my hotel, checking in, and cleaning up from the trip, it was time to get a bit of rest before meeting the rest of the Australian contingent to BrainShare for dinner.  We dined at Restaurant d’Vijff Vlieghen, a fine restaurant that (unbeknown to me beforehand) is one of the best in Amsterdam for traditional Dutch cuisine.  I’m amazed I stayed awake through the five courses, but luckily my travel didn’t catch up with me until I made it back to the hotel.

I had Tuesday pretty-much to myself.  I did quite a bit of walking around, trying to push through the jet-lag.  Early afternoon I walked with a couple of colleagues from Novell to the conference venue to register, and had a late lunch afterward. By late afternoon I realised that I wasn’t over the jet-lag and decided to rest up for the start of the conference.

The next couple of days are a bit of a blur.  Keynotes, demos, technical sessions, product launch parties, beer, food, sunsets after 10pm…  It was an incredible week.  As far as the BrainShare content goes, even though Linux is just a part of the Novell “story” I was never really starved for something interesting.  I enjoyed the demos of SUSE Studio, and learned some things about the High Availability extension for SLES and the Subscription Management Tool.

I had a great time.  The crew from Novell that hosted me were fantastic, and every time I go there I fall a little bit more in love with Amsterdam.

Travel report: Driving to Sindelfingen

Since I’ve been back home now for almost a month, it seems silly to call these posts “travel updates”.  :)

With the experience of visiting le Viaduc de Millau still buzzing in my head, I pointed my trusty Peugeot back toward Montpellier for the journey to Germany.  The run down the mountain back toward the coast was a really nice drive, but by the time I was back in Montpellier it was back to nasty busy city driving.  I think I made a little bit of an error: instead of following the path that Google found for me to get to the A9 (which was more-or-less back through the middle of town), I followed the first sign I saw that said “A9 NIMES”.  This ended up taking me on a Cooks Tour of bypass roads around the south outskirts of the city, past industrial estates and the consequent heavy workaday traffic.  The city path was very likely to have been quicker and easier.  Oh well.

Once I made it to the A9 for the trip north, I was able to settle in and enjoy the drive again.  The autoroutes in France are excellent, with a great smooth driving surface (in spite of the heavy-vehicle traffic they carry) and plenty of visibility and clearance for cars to be able to carry the 130km/h speed limit (again, in spite of the heavy-vehicle traffic, which is only permitted to do about 90km/h).  Mind you I ended up paying around 50€ in tolls while I was in France!  If it’s a demonstration of how tolling a road can lead to better quality, I don’t mind at all.

The traffic bogged down a bit going through Lyon, but soon opened up again.  I was starting to get a bit worried about the time: I’d left Montpellier three or four hours before, yet seemed to be only a third of the way there!  Night was starting to fall as I turned east onto the A36 — the car was at last actually pointing toward Germany!  A short while after that, I stopped for some dinner before making the last part of the drive.   I was not far from the border by this time, and it looked like I was making good time after all.

I hadn’t planned for my first drive on an autobahn to be at night, but that’s how it worked out.  About the only indication that I’d actually crossed into Germany was the change in the road signage!  The speed limit dropped to 120km/h, but a little while later I saw a sign that showed the 120 crossed-out.  This, I eventually worked out, was the only indication I would get that I was on one of the famous speed-unlimited autobahnen (well, the Mercs and Beemers and Audis rocketing past me were another indication).  Because it took me so long to work out what was going on, I almost didn’t get to go for a rocket myself — I had wound the Peugeot up to about 140-150 and was still getting passed like I was stationary, so I decided to give it a run.  In a few seconds the little Pug was at 195km/h, and seemed like it could have gone a bit higher, but slower traffic ahead meant I had to back off.  As it turned out, I didn’t get another chance to wind it out because we were in and out of roadworks for the last part of the run to Stuttgart.

Eventually I found the last motorway exit I had to take, and I was on the streets of Sindelfingen.  I had made it all the way from Montpellier, without a single wrong turn!  Before congratulating myself too heartily though, I had to find my hotel…  and this was a bigger challenge than I had thought.  I found it, eventually, but not before I’d driven up the same street three times (at least) and done at least one U-turn in front of the place without realising it…

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Travel update: le Viaduc de Millau

Seems like ages ago I watched that episode of Top Gear where they took a Ford GT, a Pagani Zonda and a Ferrari F430 from Paris to the Millau Viaduct.  At the time, I didn’t figure that I’d have any opportunity to see the bridge in the near future, but nonetheless subliminally noted it as one of those things to see, if I got a chance to, sometime in the next forty-or-so years.  As it turns out, the chance came up sooner than I thought: not only that, I somehow remembered about it before the chance went by!

As I was planning my drive from Montpellier to Stuttgart, I suddenly remembered “that stonking-great bridge somewhere in France that those pommie tossers drove those cars over”.  I really had no idea where it was — I couldn’t even remember the name of it.  Somehow, however, I managed to locate it — and found that it was only a bit over an hour’s drive from Montpellier.

So Google Maps told me at least, and my record with that site was not great.  When first I consulted the Googleplex for how to get from Montpellier to Stuttgart, I’m sure it said it would take 3-4 hours.  Just before I’d found le Viaduc de Millau, though, I asked it again and it said more like 8 hours.  More on that later…  but now I was contemplating making my 8-plus hour trip to Stuttgart into at least 11.  I was seriously considering giving up on the tentative plan to see the bridge.  Then I thought: how would I feel if I went home, knowing that I was so close and didn’t bother going?  I made my mind up: I was going to Millau.

I planned my departure the following morning to be a little earlier than originally scheduled, and packed the bags the night before.  The next day I got moving nice and early, right in the middle of Montpellier weekday-peak morning traffic!  It didn’t take long for that to clear, though, and I was on the A750 heading west.  The A750 joined the A75, and then I was heading up into higher altitude.  The diesel Peugeot I was driving ate up the twisting climb with no trouble, and before long the road had levelled- and straightened-out a bit.

I saw a tourist sign saying “Viaduc de Millau”, and realised I was almost there.  Then, I was there!

Darned windscreen wiper!  Actually it doesn't matter really, since there's no way a photo from a moving car could do it justice.

Darned windscreen wiper! Actually it doesn't matter really, since there's no way a photo from a moving car could do it justice.

You can see the towers of the bridge pylons in the distance: the seventh (and most distant) one is still over two kilometers away! The sign in this photo is for the tourist stop on the north side of the valley, which is three kilometers down the road, and the bridge starts just past the sign…

I tried to take a couple of photos as I was going over the bridge to get a sense of the height and distance involved, but it was a wasted effort.  Not only was the camera unable to focus on anything but the blurring side barrier of the bridge, but the valley floor below was probably too far away for a camera to be able to convey the scene from a car.  So I concentrated on driving the rest of the way over, and trying to enjoy some of the view.

On the north side (as the signpost said) there is an information kiosk and observation area, so I pulled off the road and stopped there.  The observation point turned out to be the peak of a hill accessed by a very steep climb up a bitumen path… but when I made it to the top, the pain of the climb was soon forgotten.

The bridge actually looked to me like it was from another world: it is so big, so high, so amazing and different, that it just doesn’t seem like it could have been made here.  It was truly an amazing thing to see, and it didn’t matter about the lung-bursting climb up the hill or the finger-numbing-face-freezing wind blowing up the Tarn valley or the drizzle of rain that just refused to go away — I could not bear the thought of having to leave there.

Le Viaduc de Millau.  I'm surprised I got these photos, I was beginning to wonder about my chances of frostbite thanks to the wind and rain!

Le Viaduc de Millau. I'm surprised I got these photos, I was beginning to wonder about my chances of frostbite thanks to the wind and rain!

I took a stupid number of photos, and stood for a while and just gazed.  I realised it was still (just) daytime in Australia and phoned home, but must have sounded like an idiot just banging on about a bridge.

Eventually I realised that I would have to leave in order to get to Stuttgart in a reasonable time, so reluctantly I set off back down the hill.  I went through the souvenir shop and picked up a trinket or two, along with a brochure or two that N might take an interest in.  Then, with even more reluctance, I got in the car and departed.  I wasn’t able to avoid the toll plaza — 12 euro (6€ each way) in tolls!  It was a small price to pay though — besides, I got to drive over it again!

The Millau Viaduct is a wonder of the modern world, and I am so glad that I didn’t talk myself out of driving up to see it.

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Travel update: On to Montpellier

There I was, standing in the Paris Gare de Lyon looking like an idiot staring at the trains on the platforms.  I was about to experience my first trip on TGV!

I took a few photos then loaded my gear on the train (big bag in the luggage space at the end of the carriage, smaller stuff in the overhead rack), then went back onto the platform to get a few more photos.  I’m sure I was still acting like a stunned mullet as I wandered around the station!

As departure time drew closer, I headed back to my train and got comfortable.  I faintly heard the sound of the doors closing and then, without a sound, the train started moving.  It picked up speed as it started to snake along the lines heading out of Paris: there were a couple of curves where I could see the front of the train as we went.  Even though we were still in the suburbs and the tracks were eight-wide, the TGV was moving at quite a pace as we headed south.

Some breakfast came by, and the next time I looked out I noticed that the other tracks were gone and we were moving a lot faster now.  At no time had I felt any great acceleration, I suppose for comfort’s sake they let the train wind up gradually.

Then we got faster still.  And faster.  And fasterAnd faster.

Again I have to reiterate: if you’re not a train-fan, you probably won’t appreciate how exciting, exhilarating and mildly terrifying it was for me.  I realised that I was actually on the ground at 300+km/h, and that if I was in a plane I’d be airborne by then!  In the dark the night before, I hadn’t been able to appreciate going through tunnels or passing under bridges at that speed.  The line ran near a highway at one stage, and I just couldn’t get my head around seeing the cars that I knew were going in the same direction as I was moving backward!

I could see trackside distance markers, and did a rough timing of our travel over one kilometre: “one-onethousand-two-onethousand … 12-onethousand”.  Math it out: that’s 300km/h.

I expected that the train would stop a couple of times, but there was only one stop (Nimes, about 100km from Montpellier).  The remaining run from Nimes down to Montpellier was fast, but not TGV-fast.  As we pulled into Montpellier, I gathered up my gear and got ready to leave the train.  My first TGV journey was over!

When the train did arrive, it was three minutes late.  I was amazed: over all those hundreds of kilometres, we only accrued a delay of three minutes.

I used a map in the Montpellier railway station to find that my hotel was literally a stone’s throw away.  I hauled my bags up the street and into what seemed like a dingy alley to the hotel and checked in.  My room had a dodgy double doorway onto the dingy alley, and I looked out at the street and watched a few cars go by.  I also got my first spectator view of French contact-parallel-parking!  That evening I met up with my residency colleague and a couple of his workmates over a couple of Belgian beers, and went for a stroll through the city after taking a slightly wrong turn when I was dropped off near the station.

The next day, since the plan to go to IBM didn’t work out, I had a chance to look around.  First order of business was to do some planning for the drive to Germany the next day, so I did some internetting before going to pick up my car.  The car was a diesel Peugeot 308, and I went for a bit of a drive to familiarise myself.  Thankfully the streets of Montpellier are a bit more forgiving than metropolitan Paris!  I managed to get lost a couple of times, but did my usual Zen navigation to get back on track (thank-you, Douglas Adams).

After the car adventure, I went for a bit of a walk around the old part of the city and took a couple of photos along Esplanade Charles de Gaulle.  Once again I saw that although large cities around the world are starting to become more and more alike (town square, shopping mall, etc.), European cities still have the charm of the “old town”.  I really like the narrow cobbled streets with people walking along seemingly day or night, and the food stalls and shops every couple of doors — real food shops, like a patisserie or coffee shop, not your chain-of-the-week like Starbucks or McDonalds.  Yes, I could really get the hang of Europe: I need to put more effort into learning more of the local language though.  I found myself too cautious about my inability to order from those patisseries and coffee shops to be able to enjoy them.  Dinner one night in Montpellier was Subway, and as I walked back to the hotel to eat I found myself looking at the local shops and regretting that I wasn’t confident enough to try.

The time came for me to leave Montpellier though, and start my journey to Sindelfingen in Germany.  My research on the route yielded an interesting fact: the Millau Viaduct is only a little over an hour’s drive from Montpellier…